I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
