I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
