She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
