There was a lot of him and a little penis
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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