I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
