Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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