god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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