Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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