We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
