why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
