Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
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