In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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