Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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