She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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