People in love make me want to vomit
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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