Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
