Michael Bay diarrhea
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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