Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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