you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
