This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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