glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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