Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
