im about as happy as oj after his trial
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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