So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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