New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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