She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
