2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
