for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
