I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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