i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize