ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
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