One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
