i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
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