just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
