That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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