I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I touched a dick in church today
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
