I looked at my own cervix.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
