I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Dicks are not precious.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Randomize
