How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
