Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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