eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
