what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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