On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I understand Curling. That high.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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