He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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