remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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