I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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