when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
