You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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