i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Randomize
