News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
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