The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
