is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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