Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
