This beer is not sobering me up at all
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
