i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Randomize
