I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
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