I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
