Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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